“Thank you” feels like it is not enough to say and feel right now but I need to express my deepest gratitude. When my mom got sick in October and then diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer January 1, 2020 my life changed so quickly and severely. My mom, my daily contact and representative of unconditional love for 50 years, was facing her greatest challenge and there was not a doubt in my mind I would be there for it. I found it ironic – me having helped hundreds of people heal themselves from cancer and had hope that my mom could heal.
As her journey continued it became more and more evident my mom was not going to totally heal physically. We DID work on the other stuff – the emotional stuff that needed to be healed. The 3D stuff to get ready for her passing. The plans for her celebration of life and NOT a funeral and what that would look like. The 6 months I had with her were the most challenging I have ever experienced, seeing her physically and later mentally deteriorate. But is also offered so many gifts – the moments of remembering so much goodness in her life and the love and support offered. If you knew my mom, you knew she gave to EVERYONE; a warm smile and hug, her full attention; listening and her wisdom; a delicious meal you would remember; a cocktail or sangria AND her unconditional love. It was so beautiful to have her receive so many beautiful comments and to read them to her and watch her eyes fill with tears of gratitude. I think she finally GOT JUST how many people and lives she influenced. I also shared how many people were sending energy and prayers and we both felt so deeply blessed for how many people showed up for her in love.We were so blessed to have had so much support and love.
I also had so much personal support – endless love and support from my love Vinny, who always asked what more he could do even as I moved in with my mom to caretake her the last few weeks. He made sure I showered, brought me meals and never stopped letting me and my mom know how much he was there for us. My amazing friend’s Marguerite, Cheryl, Trista and Leslie, and lifelong friends Julie, Hillary and Veronica not only showed up for me but in ways for my mom I won’t ever forget. Marguerite and Cheryl shared their gifts (of herbalism and hypnotherapy) with my mom that helped her so much in her last few months. I received messages, cards and meals from many people who loved my mom, who loved me and some that were following along with our journey and were touched. Each and every message and prayer meant the world to me. Every time someone reached out I would get choked up and feel such gratitude that their time and energy was focused on my mom and myself and our journey.
My children were and are there for me and are an example of strength. They both were so close to my mom and the love and support I have received from them and we have shared during her illness and after her passing has helped all of us cope and get through this together. My dad also offered non stop communication and support through this whole process which offered deep comfort during this time.
I had begun training for a coaching program in January and a women’s group that was birthed from that program in April. The love I received from Vince, Elena, Acacia, Steve, Marny, Michelle, Shayna and many of the other people in this group – touched my heart and sustained me through the most challenging part – the last month where my mom took a sharp downturn.
Many know my mom and stepdad had gotten involved in the foster care system when I left for college. They had a baby girl named Shaquasia for most of her first year and a half. Even when she went to live with her grandmother, she and her brother would visit often. She is now “Alanah” and her help for a couple of weeks while my mom was ill was priceless. It allowed me to regain the strength I needed to move in with my mom for the last 3 weeks and be there with her 24/7. Alanah loved my mom as her own. My stepdad Whitney and my mom were truly parents to her. This time has allowed us to connect and also share how much love we have for this amazing woman who raised us both.
My mom has had a few friends since 4th grade and was an example of lasting friendship for me. Her friends Beverly and Denise checked in often and I know are feeling this loss as much as I am. My cousin Michele used to speak with my mom daily after my aunt (my mom’s sister’s passing) and also was super close to her. Everyone misses her very alive presence and this is a time of healing for many. She was a confidante and support to so many on a daily and weekly basis.
All of this help and love along with hospice coming in to help me care for my mom has created so much love within me. Hospice (now called Helios care) was priceless in helping me keep my mom comfortable and helping me to navigate this very difficult time. I am trying my best to focus on all of this love received throughout her illness and since her passing to get through this time.
The grief felt from my mom’s not being here descended on me like a dark cloud the moment after she took her last breath. It is still very present but I have had moments where I felt her presence, heard her words and know at some point THAT will offer comfort knowing she can never truly be GONE. I am so grateful for the work I do and that I know gifted healers like Kelly Ballard and Marny Darius that helped me move through the transition with love and not in total fear. They also helped me connect with her afterwards and know with my whole heart she is at peace.
I am grateful from the bottom of my heart for everyone who has reached out with stories of their own mom or loved ones passing. It connects me with you further and gives me faith that I too can somehow get through this and offer support to others someday.
There is so much gratitude and love in my life right now. My business is doing well and I am super grateful for my clients and collaborators and their ENDLESS patience as I rescheduled appointments. I have THE best marketing assistant and friend in Sandy Bidinger and the way she was able to run with things and help me through this time was priceless. I am doing what I truly love right now in my business. I am leading groups, helping people with my online class and facilitating Akashic Readings. I am still working personally with clients but on a deeper level with my online class in place. I am continuing learning and have 2 brilliant children. I have a relationship beyond my wildest dreams and we get to celebrate six years together on the 25th of May.
In my darkest hour of hurt and grief, I am still so very grateful for all the goodness in my life. I KNOW it all carries me through this time. I know I have angels all around me – earth angels and heavenly angels that are holding that picture of love. I received a huge gift when my mom told me I was doing a good job taking care of her. I felt like I could not do enough for her. The heartbreak and trauma that surrounded each day as she got worse was something I am still trying to come to terms with. My mom would not want me to be this sad – but it is something I am trying to honor as I know the need to process emotions and not push them down.
Thank you for being on this journey with me. I mean that from the bottom of my heart. I loved that friends from my childhood came forward to send stories and memories of my mom. I loved reliving so many beautiful moments I got to have with her and others with her shining example of love and generosity.
Sending much love and many blessings your way!
I feel honoured that after some time in my own transformation that yours is thee first post I read. I feel your love and you loss and you took me back to my mother’s passing and her last 2 years of life.
Thanks you and we will talk son
I Love you Suzie xxoo
Thank you so much Suzie! I also loved and related to your post today. There is nothing like losing your mom… it has been a challenging time but I feel blessed I did have time with her where we could laugh, remember and get things in place for her passing. I miss her terribly but am so grateful for the 50 years she was here with me and do know she is never truly “gone”. Sending MUCH love!
Wow Jenny I’m deeply touched that you shared your tender journey and vulnerability with us. I’m going through a difficult time caring for my ailing father and your words touched my heart more than you know. You are a beautiful light being my friend. Much love <3
Hi Debra, I am so sorry for your dad’s illness. Caring for our parents is so challenging yet beautiful too. I am still processing it all. There was some trauma for sure – watching these strong people who brought us into the world and taught us so much deteriorate is so painful. I gained peace by the laughs we could still have, the memories we could still recall and knowing that I had the opportunity to ask her what she did want for after she had passed. I am sending much love to you and your dad. I am here if you ever wanted to chat. I know it helped me to talk with people who had been through similar situations as I was going through it. There are so many emotions! Sending hugs xoxo
I remember reading about your Mom’s transition and the sense of a great human having transitioned, Jenny. Your Mom was a Karma Yogi in the truest sense of the word and her kindness came back tenfold to support both of you when you needed it.
I know from experience that sometimes people do kind things because it is in their nature and they don’t realize the deep impact they make on others.
We had a similar situation when I lost my Dad and the friends who were coming to condole did the crying while I wondered, ‘aren’t you supposed to comfort me’?
But they supported my Mom and me with lots of love and moral support in later months while we found our new life without Dad.
About your not being able to heal your Mom, I want to share a bit of Hindu belief with you Jenny.
We believe that an untimely death can be prevented through prayer and healing but when a person is ready to join the maker or their time has come, nothing we do can prevent it and the Fates will ensure the predestined outcome will manifest. So don’t be hard on yourself – you did a good devoted daughter’s Dharma to ensure you lovely Mom went peacefully.
Hi Vatsala, I share that Hindu belief. I did not know how much my mom missed my step-dad – her partner of 35 years. He passed almost 6 years ago. She kept speaking of the people she missed – her brother, sister, our friends that had passed and her husband. I found a book of poems she wrote to my step-dad saying how much she missed him. I feel when she got sick – she was ready. I also know from my healing work – sometimes passing IS the healing. THAT ONE was a very hard lesson for me to learn and wrap my head around.
I know my work helped me with my mom but wow it was a whole different world. I trust it will make me even MORE empathic to my clients caring for loved ones or with a life threatening illness. I have never cared for someone personally physically on that level before.
There were a lot of people deeply affected when my mom passed but I know that is because of all the love she unconditionally gave. I feel so blessed to have had her for 50 years on this plane and have no doubt she will continue to influence me and I will feel her love. It is a HUGE adjustment – just like you said -life without the person. It feels kind of surreal.
Sending MUCH love -thank you for commenting!! xoxo
Thank you for sharing these intimate moments with us Jenny. We know Your mum has transitioned to a greater light. We are thankful for all the lovely memories you had.
Thank you so much Leila! I am so deeply grateful too. And you are so right – I know she is at peace and in a good place. Thank you for your comment. Sending love!
Thank you for for your heartfelt post, Jenny. I remember the time I thought my Mom could heal after the stroke and she did partially, her thumb moved! The joy wasn’t long lived because she had another stroke and was unresponsive. In the dying process, I see many mini losses and deaths. I was blessed as you were to have many supports to help me through it. Gratitude can be a powerful healer. ❤ Blessings to you and your family, Lisa xoxo
Thank you for sharing Lisa! I had the same experience.. my mom actually did not need the oxygen machine anymore. her tumors shrunk.. there were so many little glimmers of hope. It was a roller coaster. Gratitude is a super powerful healer as that is what helped heal me physically. This pain feels worse than the physical pain but I know in time it HAS to get a little easier and gratitude can help that. I am so sorry for your loss. I am sending much love.
Thanks Jenny! ?